I think I’m safe in saying that most women have a moment of feeling like they just don’t cut it as a mom. In the four short years since I’ve been a mom, I’ve had numerous moments that made me feel like an inadequate mother. Recently, I had another moment that made me feel like an inadequate wife. After having Paloma, I struggled to find balance as a mom of two children. I stopped greeting The Boof when he came home from work. I stopped cooking dinner every week night and I stopped making an effort to look attractive. (Some days, I wouldn’t even brush my hair after a shower.) Initially, I knew I could get away with this. After all, I had just carried a human in my belly for nine months.
Around the four month mark, when I went back to work, I stopped having any patience for him. I was tired and having a hard time adjusting to midnight feedings and 5AM alarm clocks. The Boof was a champ. Despite my crankiness and occasional meltdown, he remained patient. Until one Saturday afternoon, when he literally snapped. Now just to clarify. The Boof doesn’t get mad. He doesn’t get excited. In fact, he doesn’t have any outward expression of emotion. (Unless it’s exciting news about wrestling.)
That particular afternoon, Presley was asking me question after question. Paloma was crying and didn’t want to take her bottle. All while The Boof was trying to tell me about a book he was reading. I was at my tipping point. “ENOUGH!” I yelled. Paloma stopped crying and both Presley and The Boof stood staring at me – stunned. He took Paloma away from me and laid her in her crib. He asked Presley to go to her room. Then once they were both out of earshot, he told me rather sternly to sit down. I was already in shock. The Boof never tells me what to do. He’s extremely laid-back, nothing like myself. I won’t go into every detail of our conversation but he pointed out to me something I had lost focus of – him. I had stopped looking at him as my husband and just saw him as another pair of hands.
Since that afternoon, I’ve made more of an effort to think of him. Not as someone who will help me get the girls ready in the morning, but as the man that won over my heart. The man that I CHOSE to have children with. While our relationship had evolved, I needed to learn that I can’t see him as Daddy. If our relationship was going to survive, I needed to view him as my husband.
We started carving out time for each other. And remember that book he was trying to tell me about? Well, he finally had a chance to tell me as we enjoyed a glass of wine after the girls went to bed one evening. It’s not always easy, but we both realized that it sometimes takes effort.